Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
