he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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