I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
