i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
