You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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