We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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