remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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