I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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