Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
