I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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