The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
