I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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