Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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