I accidentally burped into my bong.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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