I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
