I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
