Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
