Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
