Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
