Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
