hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
