I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
