Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
