In the future we'll all be gay
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
