turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
