i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
