I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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