those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
