I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
