We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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