You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
