The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
