Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
