Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Holy shit dude........stairs
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
