Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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