the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
