You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
