so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
