pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
