Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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