Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize