she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
