your parents love me but you hate me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
