After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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