I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
worst night to have a conscience
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
