update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
