Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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