what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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