god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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