So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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