Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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