She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
