Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
