He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
