wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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