i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
