he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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