I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
