wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
high people should be assigned attendants
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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